“All our enemies have opened their mouth wide against us.
 We have suffered terror and pitfalls, ruin and destruction.”
 Streams of tears flow from my eyes because my people are destroyed.
 My eyes will flow unceasingly, without relief, until the LORD looks down
   from heaven and sees.   (Lamentations 3:46-50)

GRIEF IS NORMAL

In the “old days”, when some of us were starting school, they still talked about the
“Three Rs” of “reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic”.  Similarly, I have often spoken of the three N’s of Grief, that grief  is Normal, Natural and even Necessary.

It is normal to experience the pain of grief.  Grief is the name for all those intense feelings we experience at a time of loss, whether that is the loss by death of a loved one, the loss of security after becoming the victim of a crime, or the loss of independence that may accompany the aging process or serious illness. 

 All experiences of grief are unique.  There are many factors that influence how one experiences the pain of their loss.  The nature of your relationship with the person who died, the circumstances under which they died, unfinished business between you, your unique personality and many other factors will color the experience of grief and mourning.  What we do know for sure is that there is no right or wrong way to experience grief, there is only your unique experience of loss and grief.   Your feelings are all okay.  We should never be ashamed of our feelings of grief.  They are a reflection of the image of God in us and of our capacity to love. 

It is natural to grieve.  Stoicism is not natural.  We are made in the image of God and as emotional beings.  Our Creator is capable of anger, disappointment, sorrow and regret as well as compassion, joy, hope and delight.  The word “bereaved” literally means “to be torn”.  Death tears our loved ones from us.   It is natural, even for persons of faith, to mourn the reality that they will never again see, hear or hold their loved one again in this life.  The Psalms are filled with heart wrenching cries of God’s people who mourned for their nation, mourned the infirmity of their own bodies, and mourned the deaths of both body and soul.  The Old Testament book of Lamentations (perhaps one of the most overlooked books of scripture for Christians) is literally a book of laments in what I imagine to be the wails and moans of a people in agony over the death of their loved ones and destruction of the life they once knew.  Even Jesus, at the tomb of Lazarus, was moved to tears – not some dignified dabbing of tears at the corner of his eye, but deep and wrenching sobs.

But is grief necessary?  Those intense feelings of grief are natural and come unbidden, often in waves that wash over us months or even years after a loss.  What is necessary is mourning, the outward and sometimes public expression of those feelings.  Sorrow is a feeling associated with grief.  Shared tears are our way of mourning.  Anger is an emotion of grief.  Writing about our anger in a journal is a way of mourning.   Depression is one emotion associated with grief.  Honoring our loved one's memory by lighting a candle, participating in a memory walk, or making a donation to an organization they supported or benefited from are all ways of turning grief into healthy mourning.  It has been said that we must mourn well so that we can live well. 

When the intense feelings of grief get “stuffed” and pushed down over and over again within us, never to be outwardly expressed, they can cause us real harm.  Persons with unresolved loss experiences can become ill, sometimes seriously so.   Others may turn to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain they can no longer deny.  Some experience relationship problems or become irritable and bitter. 

You are loved with an eternal love.  Your Heavenly Father understands (truly) your need to grieve and mourn.  But hope is also real.  New life is not a pipe dream, it is a real possibility.  Seek the support you need for your time of bereavement.  Join a support group.  Lean on the people you know you can really trust to be there with unconditional acceptance.  Lean on your faith.   The journey is long, far longer than most people realize, and it is not easy.  But you can discover that new life – a new normal of hope and even happiness that no longer includes the physical presence of your loved one.

In our grief support group we begin each meeting by lighting three candles:  one is in gratitude for the relationship we shared with our loved one in the past; one is for the relationship of memory we share with our loved one now; and one is for the hope of being reunited with our loved one again in the future. 

 May such gratitude and hope be part of your unique journey of grief, today and always.

Concerning Children and Grief- Did You Know?

Did You Know? 

According to the US Social Security Administration, 1.9 million youth under the age of 18 have lost one or both parents.

A parent’s death usually makes a severe impact on the child, research shows.  After losing a parent, 85% of children exhibit such symptoms as difficulty sleeping, angry outbursts, worry, depression, bed-wetting, and thumb-sucking.  After a year, more regressive behaviors may fade, but other problems, such as lack of confidence and preoccupation with illness, are likely to continue. (Barr-Harris Children’s Grief Center of Chicago Institute for Psychoanalysis as reported in Chicago Tribune Magazine.)

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, one out of every 20 children age 15 and younger will suffer the loss of one or both parents.  These statistics do not account for the number of children who lose a “parental figure,” such as a grandparent or other relative that provide care.

The number of single parent homes has skyrocketed, displacing many children in this country.  Approximately 30% of U.S. families are now being headed by a single parent, and in 80% of those families, the mother is the sole parent.  The United States is the world’s leader in fatherless families.  Father absence contributes to crime and delinquency.  Violent criminals are overwhelmingly males who grew up without fathers. (U.S. Census Bureau report)

Lastly, children of divorced parents are seven times more likely to suffer from depression in adult life than people of similar age and background whose parents have not divorced.  (Study by Bernard Lerer and Ofer Agid of the Biological Psychiatric Unit at Hadassah Hospital, Jerusalem, as reported in Molecular Psychiatry, 1999)

These facts are discouraging.  However, we should not despair.  As a society we have made great strides in understanding the impact of loss on grief on children’s lives.  Places like Rick’s House of Hope, local hospice organizations and others provide services for grieving children, including support groups and camp experiences.  It now falls to you – the parent, the grandparent, the aunt or uncle to reach out for the help that is there for the child you love.  It’s okay to ask for help.  You can’t do this alone.  You are hurting, too.  Good luck and God bless. Keep reading to learn more about Rick’s House of Hope!!! 

Celebrating Rick's House of Hope

   On Saturday, February 4^th, nine members of the Reinbeck United Methodist Church travelled to Davenport, Iowa for a Mission/Work Day at Rick’s House of Hope-Center for Grieving and Traumatized Children.  The mission of RHOH is to make sure the needs of grieving and traumatized youth are not overlooked.  This mission is very dear to my heart.  You see, in 1999 when RHOH was founded it was the culmination of a dream and vision I had carried in my heart for over a decade.  Rick’s House of Hope was my creation and I served as Founding Director for seven years.  

   Rick’s House of Hope began as a seed of an idea when our son was born with a serious, congenital heart defect.  As we struggled through the earliest days of Richie’s life wondering just what the future would really hold I was keenly aware of how devastated I would be if my baby did not survive.  I could not imagine how I would ever help our daughter, then just three years old, with that kind of loss.  I began to think “there out to be a place” where children suffering the loss of a parent or sibling could go to find the support their grieving parents likely could not give.  I started pursuing continuing education courses on grief and bereavement, and whenever possible, courses about children and grief.

   Years passed.  We had many scares and many trips to the emergency room with Richie.  Eventually and over the course of time he has received three cardiac ablations through the University of Iowa Hospital.  Overall, however, God has been good and Richie has been a blessing to our family every day.  He has made us laugh more than we could imagine.  He has shown grace and strength when we would have crumbled.  Yes, God has been good.

   Had I tried to force the vision of a children’s grief center on my timeline, I’m quite sure RHOH would not have been the success that it has been.  God unfolded the dream in His time.  I kept learning; kept dreaming; kept gaining professional experience.  One day in the Bettendorf Public Library I sat down to play around with this new thing everyone was talking about –The Internet.  On the desk was a large book, like a Yellow Pages Directory.  You could literally look up websites by subject.  I looked up “children and grief” and discovered there were a few places around the country doing just what I had been dreaming of.  Erin’s House in Indiana and Dougy Center in Oregon were especially exciting to read about.  I moved out of the dream phase and into concrete planning.  

Some Thoughts on Self-Care

Grief can be lonely, but you are loved.
You are NOT alone.  Please take care of yourself.

We all live very stressful lives.  I bet you could name five major stressors in your life right now, off the top of your head without even thinking.  Grief and mourning are very special kinds of stressors, and like all stress grief can impact our bodies, our thoughts, our feelings and our  behavior.  Most people expect grief to affect their emotional and spiritual well-being. However, many do not appreciate the physical impact of grief and loss.

The website of Mayo Clinic describes the following physical effects of stress:
headache
muscle ache
generalized tension or pain
chest pain
fatigue
changes in sexual drive
stomach pain or nausea

Emotional and behavioral symptoms of stress have a direct impact on our physical well-being.  Consider the following:

Stress's impact on mood
anxiety
restlessness
lack of motivation
trouble concentrating
irritability & anger
sadness & depression

Stress's impact on  behavior
Over-eating or under-eating
Outbursts of anger
Drug or alcohol abuse
Tobacco use
Social withdrawal

You may not even realize that stress is a factor in the difficulties you are experiencing.  And if you have any concerns about physical symptoms you are experiencing you should always check with your physician.

In recent months I have grown increasingly concerned about the physical illnesses, some quite serious, that grieving persons I care for have experienced.  Then one of my friends shared with me her recent recurrence of cancer.  This friend has endured the sudden death of her mother and the extended illness and death of her father in less than two years time.  These losses left her reeling and caused her to make some major changes in her commitments and daily activities.  In the midst of her pain and exhaustion she neglected to keep important doctor's appointments.  Just a couple months after her father's death her husband was diagnosed with cancer.  This prompted her to go in for her own  routine check up, only to discover that she was experiencing a recurrence of her own cancer, diagnosed now as a Stage 3 cancer.

My friend attributes this cancer recurrence to the stress of care-giving and grief.  The combination of the physical impact of the stress of grief along with neglecting vital doctor's appointments put her in a very precarious situation.  I am pleased to report that after surgery (two large incisions) and many diagnostic tests and procedures my friend has been told she is again cancer-free.

Her outcome was ultimately a positive one.  Her message and experience is too important not to share.

While grief can leave you  reeling in uncertainty and confusion, you are loved. Your life is so meaningful to others and you are a person of worth with a mission to accomplish.  Please take care of yourself.  It is an investment that only you can make.

Watch for more information about Self-Care during times of Grief and Mourning coming soon!   

The Reason for the Season

    Christmas is just three days away!  It's an exciting time for children of all ages and a sacred time for Christians around the world.  Yet in the hustle and bustle of preparing for Christmas - costumes for the Sunday School program, shopping, baking, planning meals, traveling -  I am reminded that life keeps right on moving.  The terrible tsunami of a few years ago was a remarkable reminder that life goes on even as we pause to celebrate the birth of the Savior.  Sadly, natural disasters hit on or around Christmas.  Soldiers on the battlefield do not necessarily lay down their weapons on December 24th.  Loved ones receive frightening diagnosis and even die on or about December 25th.  I know.  A friend died this week.  I will go to his funeral visitation tomorrow.  Another friend just told me she has been diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma.  She awaits the next appointment with the oncologist to see what the future holds for her.
    Life doesn't stop because the calendar says December 25th.  I am reminded of the funeral liturgy used in our church.  The opening words say this:  "In the midst of life, we are in death."  (UM Book of Worship) And so it is true.
   What does that mean for us at Christmas?  Acknowledging the truth that in the midst of life we are in death holds an invitation to go deeper with our Christmas celebration.  I most assuredly enjoy the lights and decorating the tree.  I love the music of the season, from the sacred and sublime (think "O, Holy Night') to the silly (think The Chipmunks), I love it all.  I stress a bit over making beds up and preparing meals, but I love having family together.  I even love giving and receiving gifts (and I'm not ashamed to admit it). 
    But the reason for the season goes so much deeper than music and lights and family togetherness.  The reason for the season is Jesus.  It is his birthday, not mine.  Not yours.  Why do we celebrate his birth now, over 2000 years later?  Because the reason for the season is the difference he makes in our lives.
    Miraculously conceived by a virgin?  Okay.  Angels told of his birth?  Magi came to worship him?  Granted.  However, as Christians we always remember and retell the story of his birth looking back through the lens of his death and resurrection.  That he was God's greatest gift to humanity and that we shunned the gift and destroyed it--this is what gives his life - and Christmas - it's meaning.  That after we shunned and destroyed the gift of God, God still loved us enough to transform his death into our chance for eternal life--this is what gives Christmas it's meaning. 
   And when cancer, death, natural disasters and the like invade our lives even in this sacred season of Christmas time, it is in remembering the true reason for the season that we find our strength, our comfort and our hope. 
 
Blessings to you and all those you cherish at Christmas! 

Robyn

Help for the Holidays

   Today is November 3rd.  Last night the on-air directory of our local cable station was playing all Christmas music.  I love music, and I love Christmas music.  Hearing Silver Bells made me smile- even if it is ridiculously early!  

  For many, however, the holiday season is overshadowed by painful memories of the last days and hours of a loved one's life and sweet memories of loved ones who are no longer present.  We may be greeted with holiday music in every store we enter and with a "Happy Holidays" from every cashier who waits on us.  But if  you are grieving the death of a loved one you may be wondering "What's so happy about the holidays now?"

 

In his book, Don’t Take My Grief Away From Me, Doug Manning compares the pain of grief to a cut finger:

“It is numb before it bleeds

It bleeds before it hurts

It hurts until it begins to heal

It forms a scab and itches until finally the scab falls off and a small scar is left where once there was a wound.”

Manning continues, saying, “Grief is the deepest wound you have ever had.  Like a cut finger, it goes through stages and leaves a scar.” 

No matter where you are in your grief journey, the holiday season has a way of infecting the wound of grief, causing new pain or ripping away the scab or rubbing and irritating the scar. 

It may be tempting to think that skipping the holidays all together is the best way to avoid this pain.  Of course, that isn’t really an option and it would not be sound advice in any case. 

Coping with the holidays after loss is not about deciding how to eliminate pain from our lives, but rather learning to live with grief instead of being consumed by it.  Folks who have walked this journey before have taught me some of the ways they coped with the holiday season, and I would like to share some of those with you this evening:

v  Anticipation is often worse than reality.  Be realistic.  This holiday season will be different from any other because you loved one is no with you.  There will be pain but don’t try to block the bad moments.  Be ready for them.  Lay in a supply of tissues.  Let those moments come, be what they are and then let them go.  Remember, grief is the price we pay for love.  Grief is an expression of our love and longing. 

v  Plan ahead.  Many grieving people have difficulty concentrating and making decisions.  So make lists of the things you need to do and the things you want to do.  Prioritize everything.  Decide what is really most important.  You don’t have to do it all.  It is okay, and even necessary, to redefine your expectations of yourself and others. 

v  Be kind and gentle with yourself.  Be patient with yourself and others.  Figure out what you think you should do.  Next, recognize that your physical, emotional and spiritual energy is not at optimum levels.   Balance what you think you should do against what you are able to do and then compromise. 

v  Communicate!  Remember that others cannot read your mind.  Keep the lines of communication open between yourself, your family and your friends.   Tell others what you need, what you want and can do, and what you cannot do. 

v  “Tradition” can be defined in a very fluid way this year.  Some people find comfort in the traditions of the past and will want to maintain those traditions as much as possible.  Others will need to change traditions this year as a way of taking care of themselves and acknowledging how very different this holiday season is because of the death of their loved one.  Don’t toss out all tradition, but communicate with one another and do what feels best for your family. 

v  Take care of yourself physically.  Eat right and exercise.  Get your flu shot.  The stress of grief  impacts your physical well-being and your immune system.  Avoid excesses of alcohol and caffeine.  Taking a multi-vitamin probably wouldn’t hurt either.

v  Remember the children in your family.  Include them in family discussions and remembrance rituals, such as lighting a candle each evening in memory of your loved one or hanging a special ornament on the tree.  Let them help with the baking of grandma’s special pecan pie or let an older child take over the tradition of Grandpa’s reading the Christmas story on Christmas Eve. Children learn from you modeling how to cope with loss and change.  Ask for help if you need it.*

v  Hold on to your purse and charge cards.  You can’t spend your grief away, though you might be tempted to try.  Similarly, expensive toys and gadgets will not do as much for the children in the family as an honest sharing of grief and of the precious memories of their loved one.  When you do choose to shop, shop on “good days.”  Avoid crowds and additional stress by shopping on-line or asking others for help.

v  Honor your loved one's memory by reaching out to others.  Involve the entire family in taking gifts to a nursing home, making a donation in your loved one’s name to a charity, such as a hospice program or other mission name.  Buy mittens for a mitten tree or visit the elderly.  Not only do you honor your loved one’s memory, but you get some perspective on your own situation and foster an attitude of gratitude for the blessings you still have in your life.                                                   

Equal portions of intentionality and careful planning, a cup of communication, some tradition –measured to taste, a gracious dollop of gratitude, a spoonful of service to others and a fine garnish of flexibility are my recipe for what may not be a “happy” holiday season, but a season of peace and gratitude and love.

*For more help for grieving children at the holidays, you may purchase my activity book for kids  Handling the Holidays When A Loved One Has Died, available as a PDF download from the TLC Bookstore at www.tlcinst.org

                                                                 

The Cycle of Guilt: Insights for Grief and Life

I have been reading an excellent book entitled, Lose-Love-Live:  The Spiritual Gifts of Loss and Change by Dan Moseley (Upper Room Books, 2010).  This book offers so much more than euphemistic “pat” answers to the struggles faced by those who have experienced a significant loss in their life.  Whether the loss is job related, the death of a relationship, the loss of health or the death of a loved one, Moseley offers an in-depth and personal perspective on the experience of growing through grief.  This is not, in my opinion, a book for the recently bereaved.  This is a book for one who is beginning to emerge from the darkest days of the wilderness of grief and is open to the continuing journey of living through love and loss into a new life.    

    Wayne Bell, President Emeritus of Lexington Theological Seminary states that Lose-Love-Live is a “much needed resource for pastors, church libraries and required reading for Stephen Ministers.”  One of the most helpful features of this book is the “Good Companions” summary at the end of each chapter.  The summaries articulate the qualities, characteristics and practices of true companion for the particular aspect of the grief journey discussed in the preceding chapter. 

    I was especially interested in Moseley’s discussion of the cycle of guilt in grief.  What follows is a discussion that is a blending of Moseley’s thoughts and my reflections:

    As infants we believe the world revolves around us, but very soon we learn that we cannot control our environment or the people in it.   This is a primal experience that leads to feelings of inadequacy.  Inadequacy may lead to shame.  Certainly this becomes a larger issue when some loss or trauma is introduced into the cycle, such as the death of a friend or family member or the trauma and chaos of living in a home with an alcoholic.   When we do not have the power to make things happen in a way that we think is good for us we protest (picture the 2-year old’s tantrum) and can grow to feel that we ourselves are unworthy.

    Some of us expend a great deal of energy trying to get back to that time when everything was about us.  Most of us like control very much.   We try to hold on to the fantasy that we have this power still.  We don’t, but we cannot tolerate things spinning out of control.  And let’s face it; life can be a pretty chaotic ride at times. 

In the end, this desire to be in control is really a desire to be divine, for God alone sees what is truly good for us.  God alone has this power we seek for ourselves. When we are consumed with worry that we are not doing “enough” to make things come out “right” I believe we fall into a form of idolatry.   In thinking we have this power we elevate ourselves to God-like status.     This becomes a vicious cycle because everything –in our minds – is about us and it becomes our responsibility to make sure everything always comes out “right”.  What an incredible burden we have placed on ourselves!

    This cycle of grasping for control, protesting our inadequacy and inability to control our circumstances, then feeling guilt and shame is repeated and exacerbated each time we endure a season of loss and grief. 

    One is fired from his job.  This blow leaves him reeling.  Unable to pay the mortgage, dependent on the kindness of others to provide the basic necessities for his family he feels inadequate.   His self-worth plummets.  He is consumed with worry for the future and guilt for making such a mess of his life. 

    A husband dies.  For two years the doctor misdiagnosed his cancer.  The mantra repeats over and over again in his widow’s head “I should have known.  I should have known.  I should have known it was more serious.  What if we had gone to another doctor sooner?  Would he still be alive?”

    “Guilt rides the vehicles of ‘what if’ and ‘if only’, driving us to near insanity.”  (Moseley, p. 71)  

    The alternative (and road to the healing of guilt) involves admitting that there are some things that are beyond our control and over which we have limited influence. The experience of inadequacy and guilt is a common aspect of the grief journey.  It is desirable, however, that in time we will be able to accept our humanity and acknowledge that we all make mistakes.  We miscalculate.  We make errors in our judgment.  If we knew then what we know now, of course we would choose differently, pursue a different course.  But we are not omniscient. 

    Accepting our humanity and limitations leads to forgiving ourselves (just as accepting the humanity and limitations of others, such as doctors, can lead to forgiving them).  Forgiveness and grace lead to healing of some of the most painful aspects of our loss.  This grace in turn becomes a bridge that leads us slowly to the discovery of a new normal, freeing us to come alive to the future that no longer includes the presence of that person or thing that has been lost. 

 

Consider:

At the time of your loss, what do you wish you had done differently?

What did you say/do that you now wish you hadn’t?

What things did you leave unspoken that you wish you had said?

How would you complete the statement:  “I should have…”

If you could change one thing about what happened, what would it be?

Can you accept in this situation that you did the best you knew to do?

Can you accept that you are human and could not control the things that happened in this situation? 

What are possible  consequences of the inability to accept our humanity and limits? 

What is your reaction to the statement that our desire to be in control is a form of self-idolatry?  Is this too harsh?

 Romans 8:28

New International Version (NIV)

 ²⁸ “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose.”

What does this promise mean to you today?

God bless your day.  I would love to hear your thoughts if you would like to share them.